I'd be lying...

Well, since my last post my head has just been in a complete whirlwind. This post will just be words, hopefully the next post can have some pictures.

I would be lying to you if I told you that my life in the past couple of months has been easy. It's been hard. Aside from the year 2004, this year has been the hardest year of my life. I have never experienced hurt and sadness like I have this year.

I would be lying to you if I said that 2009 has been a year of joy. It hasn't. In fact, January 1, 2010 can't come fast enough. I am just ready to start a new year. As you can tell from my previous post, I lost someone very special to me. What hurts equally as bad is that I have to watch someone that I love more than life itself hurt more than he ever has in his whole life -- maybe more than he ever will. That is something I cannot fix -- and that hurts. I am completely helpless. I don't do helpless very well. I am a fixer. I try to fix everything.

I would be lying to you if I said I was whole-heartedly looking forward to Christmas. It will be really difficult. Christmas was Marsha's favorite time of the year. There were 3 Fry's who "did" Christmas and 2 of them are gone. No one can replace Meme and Marsha, but I feel a very strong pressure to try, and I can't help but feel very overwhelmed because those are HUGE shoes to fill. I feel so inadequate to fill them. I know that God doesn't call the equipped, he equips those that he calls. But, it's hard to live that way all the time.

My every thought is consumed with Marsha. More than I ever thought could be possible. I miss her with every ounce of my being. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't still a little angry. I am. I wish she was here. I wish she wasn't taken from us. One of the hardest things to do is watch a strong man just weep and weep because he misses his mother. It is hard to watch him go through something you wish he didn't have to. It's hard because there is nothing you can do but hold him.

I miss her. I miss her voice, her laugh, her strength that inspired me, her smile, her advice, the way she would call me just to see what I thought about American Idol, her emails, our talks about life and Aaron, her positive attitude she always had and hearing about the incredible faith she had. I miss her.

Will all of this make all of us stronger? Yes. However, that doesn't mean I want to go through it.

I am sorry for the gloomy post. This is just my heart right now. Hopefully, next post I will post pictures of my new house; and it will be a little more cheerful.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

-Lauren