Right now I am not exactly sure what to write, so I am just praying God moves. When I write, I like for there to be an "aha ending" and nice way to wrap everything with a pretty little bow. I am not really sure how this post will end, but again, just praying for God to move. It's probably going to be long... buckle up.
God has certainly been working in my life this summer, but not necessarily in ways I planned or even understand. He has been subtle. His MO has been very undercover, but a constant tap on the shoulder. I truly believe God has been saying to me "I have heard your every prayer. I have cried with you. I have smiled and rejoiced with you. I have been holding your hand. I have been cheering you on. But I am not fully ready to trust you with my plan just yet. I am still growing you. Just trust Me."
"Just trust Me." Probably the hardest 3 words God could say to a girl like me. I am quite the planner. Just ask any of my family and friends. They will tell you, and they would probably laugh while telling you. It's a bit ridiculous. So when I told my friends, yeah we are planning to get pregnant in May, they knew I meant business and I already had Plan A and the necessary bullet points of how life was to follow. Funny thing is, God clearly has had different plans. (Please hear me, we are aren't at this point thinking we are having fertility issues and I have even hesitated sharing this because I by no means am comparing my situation to any one else's. But in order to share my heart, this has been a major part of it.) I mean when I tell you I had it all planned out, I knew to the moment when I would ovulate, and I mean come on... it's science! My body knew exactly what to do 3 years ago... so DUH it would just follow suit this time. Nope. Basal temps every morning. Check. Cervix. Check. Fluids. Check. Knowing all kinds of symptoms during each phase of my cycle. Check. Knew it ALL like the back of my hand. (Sorry if for some reason there is a random guy reading this... you probably didn't want all that... but there it was.) But it didn't happen like I had planned. "I was upset" is an understatement.
Then I remembered something I had learned in my Ladies Bible Study during a Jennie Allen study, the thing I am holding onto the tightest, is the thing I need to let go the most. God wanted to take that from me. But, I didn't really want to let it go. Because here's the thing I have struggled with: being content with the "control" God does allow me to have verses controlling THE WHOLE SITUATION. God so graciously allows the woman to carry a tiny little human, but He gets to plan it. Not me. That's really hard. So that has pretty much consumed my summer.
Up until last weekend. Last weekend Aaron and I served together in a mission trip with some of the people from our First Family (aka small group, but we are family to each other... so we like "first family" better). That was a life-changing weekend. I know I can't do it justice in this blog, but I will try. We served with an organization called DOOR in San Antonio. Basically what DOOR does is facilitate and coordinate volunteers for other organizations. Their mission is "See the Face of God in the City." Seeing the Face of God is exactly what happened. In a gut-wrenching way. On Saturday we served with Habitat for Humanity helping Andie build her new home for her and her daughter. My favorite part of this service? Serving right along side Andie. The most rewarding part to me was seeing the pride she took in HER house and being able to help.
Saturday night, we did a "Homeless Walk" and I had tears in my eyes pretty much the whole time. This activity wrecked me the most. I knew going into it this would be an easy thing to "just go through the motions." I told God (and myself) "ok I am only going to get out of this what I put into it." So I knew if I just walked without any thought or meaning, it would just be another walk. But once God had a hold on my heart, it was so much more than that. We started off by reading the story of Zacchaeus and each husband/wife group of 4 was assigned an identity. My identity was naturally a single mother with 2 kids. We started in a park and walked through the heart of downtown San Antonio where the greatest population of homeless stay. So as a homeless mother of 2 girls (I had 2 girls in my story, Peyton and Avery. Very clear, but random.) I would go from place to place downtown where ever I knew we could stay or get a meal. As we were walking under this overpass, on a sidewalk that didn't even feel big enough for Aaron and I to walk side-by-side, there were cars flying past us. I imagined walking with my 2 girls terrified that at any moment my wild toddler could step off the side walk and I would lose her in an instant. How could I possibly wrangle 2 by myself? There was glass everywhere, how could I keep one of them from stepping on it? What if they didn't have shoes? I get stressed getting my one child in and out of a restaurant, what about the stress of making it on time to get the free meal that an organization was graciously serving me? Then there was my pride. How could I have possibly gotten myself in this situation? My daughters deserved better than that. How would I be able to get us out of this situation so my daughters could have a better life? Would I be angry at God or lean on Him? I think that would depend on the day. God was stirring in my heart in a big way.
During the walk we came across a woman and a man standing in a convenient store parking lot and appeared to be waiting for the bus. The woman was very friendly to us and asked for some bus money. Most of us didn't bring our wallets or purses... but I did. I had "accidentally" left my purse in the car from Habitat that morning and Aaron didn't feel comfortable leaving it in the car at night during our walk. So I carried it. When she asked for money, I felt convicted or compelled to give her money. I really struggled with "was I being led by the Holy Spirit or did I do it out of guilt," because I was clearly carrying my purse and I knew there was money in it. So I gave her what I had and then immediately asked God to show me I did the right thing because I felt weird and I didn't know why.
Sunday morning we woke up pretty early and headed to an organization called Haven For Hope (H4H). This organization offers anything from transitional housing, meals, detox center, free child care and help to get homeless or working poor on their feet. We served breakfast, lunch and helped with any cleaning and organization needs they had. I didn't get to serve breakfast because I was busy cracking 60 dozen eggs with Kaleena. (side note: she and I haven't been able to have a lot of one on one time together in the almost 2 years we have been in our First Family and our time together couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Her family is moving to the Philippines next week for 6 months-1 year. God timing right there.) So during lunch the awesome coordinator, Becky, made sure Kaleena and I had an opportunity to serve. I was in charge of scanning all of the cards because in order to get a meal, you have to be a member of H4H so for each meal they get their card scanned. I was the first person they saw when they came to get their meal. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was feeling a little bit of pressure, so I just asked God to move. After seeing a ton of faces I didn't know, but I was trying to remember each one, I saw a familiar face. She said "hi beautiful. How are you today." I instantly thought "I know her. I have seen her before. I have heard her voice before." Then it clicked. I said "Hi! I'm good. I know you from somewhere! Were you wearing a Cowboys jersey yesterday?" She said "Ya know what... yes I was! How do you know me?" I said "I met you last night outside of a convenient store!" She said "Oh that's cool! I think I remember you!" Now whether or not she did, I have no idea. For me that wasn't the point. That was God. For me, that was God saying "thank you for having a servant, obedient heart last night. I was there. Your gut feeling was the Holy Spirit moving." That was all I needed.
Monday morning we served at a place called Catholic Worker House. It is just a regular house downtown that offers people who happen to be homeless a place to feel "at home." They can use a restroom, use a phone, have their mail sent here, have a meal, cup of coffee in a real mug, even watch a movie. This was the perfect way to end the trip. I genuinely felt at times we were all just "hanging out." We got to share a meal with the people who came for lunch and we also got to "interview" someone who was willing to tell us their story. I don't know that I had any "Earth shattering" moments while I was there and I think that was the point. I really think God wanted me to just soak it in and just feel equal. It was as if, I knew there was a difference between "us" and "them" because I knew in a few hours I was headed back to my home... but at the same time there wasn't a difference. I didn't feel any different than I would necessarily at my own home. In my home, I am in charge of making and serving the food as well as the clean up. Then once that's done, or in between, I sit and visit with my company. To me that's how it felt. I was prepping and serving the food, but I got to visit with "my company." It was as if we were all at a "home" together.
Since last weekend the question I have repeatedly asked God "ok now what?" What in the world are you doing? Before last weekend my whole thought space was consumed with "what is this year going to look like? What are your plans, God, for expanding my family?" Now my thoughts are "God you are working in me. I know it. I can feel it. But I am not sure what to do with it. I'm not sure how to work through it and process it. Where do you want me to serve? What does giving you my everything so you can do anything look like?"
I have been reading "Anything" by Jennie Allen and my goodness that wasn't by accident either. I actually bought the book a long time ago, but never read it for whatever reason. I started reading it in May... right before we starting "trying to get pregnant." Ummm the whole premise of the book is praying for God to do "anything" in your life. But for Him to do that, you have to surrender your EVERYTHING (also read: give Him the white-knuckled planning of your family you have so perfectly laid out.) Again, the thing I am holding onto the tightest is the thing I need to let go of the most. The very fact that I was so devastated that my plan wasn't the same as God's plan is ridiculous. That was a dead giveaway that I wasn't doing something right. I should NEVER being holding something so tightly that I actually believe "I have a right for it to work out this way. My way."
God has 100% been saying to be this summer "I am working. I have a plan for your life. But I need you to give me everything, first. I need you to become the least. I need you to love me by serving and loving my people." I honestly have NO idea what any of that looks like. But I am willing. I don't even think it's a matter of "Serve my people and I will give you a baby." That sounds ridiculous. I laughed out loud when I typed that. I honestly don't feel that's it. But, I can tell you that the very fact that my thoughts this past week have absolutely not been consumed by my reproductive system is a true testament to the fact that God is working. It isn't about "when am I going to have a baby?" it's about "God where are you leading me? What does my and my family's life look like when it's fully surrendered to you? Please continue to stretch and grow me. I don't want to miss this."
So I don't know if there is a nicely tied bow around allothat. I honestly don't think so because I think this is just the beginning. I have a feeling this blog post will be continued. :) But that's my heart right now. It feels somedays like it could explode. There really is so much more to it, but for some reason all that I have written is all for this post. :) I'm just trusting God to move.
Thanks for reading this kinda random post after not posting in a good while. There very well could be typos, which drive me crazy. But I'm exhausted after working through this post. So here it is, typos, crazy, possibly unfinished, thoughts and all. I'm seriously still a work in progress and daily wrestling with how God is working. (I really need to write a more light hearted post soon about my awesome 2.5 year old!)
xoxo Lauren
A photo of Aaron and I outside of the house DOOR provided for us:
