How God fits into Pregnancy #2

So here we are closer to half way through pregnancy #2 than I would like -- 16 weeks to be exact. This pregnancy has been so incredibly different than my pregnancy with Peyton. Like night and day difference. Could it be a boy and that's why? Guess we'll find out in a couple weeks, but for now I think I will just blame it on my heart (although there really wasn't any denying the terrible nausea and fatigue. Holy smokes.).

You see, when Aaron and I began trying for #2 things didn't go according to our plans and our world was rocked. With Peyton it happened immediately. This one, God had some teaching and working to do. When I began falling on my face before God and having real conversations with Him about our future plans for our family, I had not ever up to this point prayed for something so hard. It was truly a humbling, inspiring and growing experience for us. We grew so much in our faith, together as a couple and as a family. Then one day in October, right after our amazing trip to Disney World, I got a positive pregnancy test. Happy end of the story, right? Not yet. 

Right after I freaked out, went to show Aaron and my heart leaped with happiness, it was very heavy. I immediately thought about the people who are so close to me who have experienced loss and at that very moment I put my sweet pregnancy in a glass box. Where I really thought it would be safe. "Safe," maybe. But so far away. In that glass box I also put God in there as the protector. Which sounds good except, I need Him. In this time of life where goodness gracious I need Him to guide me, lead me and save me everyday, I can't access Him when he is in a glass box. 

I hit my breaking point last week. My poor, sweet midwife had no idea who she was getting last Thursday at my appointment. A broken momma. I know it sounds crazy, but God showed up in my exam room to hold me and encourage me through that sweet midwife. I had huge disconnect going on. My head was saying "Ok whoa. You have a full fledged, cannot hide it anymore, baby bump. Your body is growing out of control." But I couldn't connect those physical changes to a sweet baby because I wasn't allowing myself to feel pregnant. Remember, that pregnancy was in a glass box. I didn't have access to it. 

I started to feel down and out of control. I was GREATLY reminded (thanks to Satan) of the Houston Marathon coming up this weekend. I even cried on the way to breakfast last Saturday because I kept seeing the Marathon signs at all the Chevron gas stations. Hormonal? Maybe. This time last year I was in the best shape of my life. I felt great emotionally, spiritually, physically -- all around. Not only was I in great shape, I was doing something for ME. I was working toward a goal that not only I achieved, I actually did pretty well. It felt good. Now, I was just out of control... and all for what? I had some heart-homework to do. Operation "talk to a lot of my mom friends who have 2 kids and get my feelings out there" had begun. Then I had my appointment on Thursday and it clicked. I heard the heartbeat of my sweet baby and I just wept. It was like the wall around my heart just melted. 

Fast forward to today. At our church we are getting ready for IF:Gathering and we started a new study today to prepare our hearts. At IF:Gathering we will be digging deeper into what it means to live like Jesus. Well in order to live like Jesus, you have to know Him. We are studying Jesus' "I AM" statements to learn WHO He is. Today's statement was "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father expect through me." John 14:6. Oh you mean to know God I can't just put Him in a glass box? Nope. I need Jesus. This study is perfect timing for me. I know studying the life of Jesus and believing He is who he says he is, is what I need. I am in need of a savior. I can't hold onto my pregnancy or my faith with a death grip anymore... I just need Jesus. 

2016 has already started out pretty deep. Whew. I have a feeling I am going to need to hold on tight to Jesus this year. It's going to be quite the ride.

Just for fun (and my own sweet memories), a few pregnancy facts (I think I will add a bump picture later):
How far along: 16 weeks
Gender: Don't know yet! We really would be thrilled with either boy or girl. Girl: We know this. Been there, done that. Also, I have a sister so I know how amazing having a sister would be for Peyton. Boy: I would love to see Aaron also be a dad to a boy. I think it would be fun to have one of each gender for each of us. Also, I think it would be easier on #2 if it's a boy. Peyton is such a strong force to be reckoned with, there are big shoes to fill for a little sister. Whereas with a boy, he will pave his own way. Those are totally just my thoughts but we genuinely would be happy with either a boy or girl! Our predictions - Me: boy Aaron: girl. (His momma always said to punish him for all the heck he put her through, he would have all girls. So he said "If mom had anything to do with it... it's a girl" :)) We will find out in a few weeks.
Weight gain: 10 lbs.(I really hope that's normal! Ha!)
Maternity clothes: Wearing mostly maternity clothes or comfy sweats around the house. I put maternity pants on at week 10. My sweet belly popped MUCH quicker than with Peyton. yikes!
Sleep: Still sleeping great.
Best moment this month: So far, hearing the heartbeat last week. But I am pretty sure celebrating Peyton's 3rd birthday at the very end will be such an emotional and fun highlight! HOW IS SHE ALMOST 3?!?!
Worst moment this month: Working though my emotions mentioned above was rough, but so worth it!
Miss anything: My non-maternity clothes. For whatever reason I am NOT into the rouching on most maternity shirts this time around.
Movement: Yes! I can definitely feel sweet little flutters... especially when big sister is sitting in my lap!
Cravings: Chips and salsa, diet root beer and diet ginger ale.
Queasy or sick: Feeling MUCH better. Second trimester is where it's at.
Looking forward to: Finding out if it's a boy or girl and sharing with our family! ;)

xoxo Lauren