So today marks 39 weeks for pregnancy #2. Like most all moms say... whew this one just FLEW by. I was talking to Aaron a couple weeks ago and I said, we are about to have THIS baby. THIS baby that didn't happen right away like we planned. THIS baby girl God vividly assured me he had for us back last August on our San Antonio mission trip. THIS baby that we talked about at our First Family Retreat last fall when I was crying so hard I could actually not get the words out. THIS is the baby our First Family prayed over us. She is coming, and coming soon. God is good.
In the last few days I have realized though how much our family is about to change, and that's really hard for both Aaron and I. When Peyton was born it was bittersweet because it was no longer Aaron and I. We were married for 5 years before we had her... on purpose. Our marriage has to be #1 always. Our kids do not come before our marriage. When our marriage is solid and resting in God, our family follows suit. So we took that time to just be married. We knew Peyton would be a perfect addition, but there wouldn't be anymore last minute trips or whenever-we-wanted-date-nights (I mean seriously, when there aren't any kids though... every night is a date night. Trust me - non-children, married friends. Dinner at home just the two of you? Date night. Quick lunch at CFA just the two of you? Date.). So while we were excited and ready to meet Little Miss Small Fry #1, there was a part of us that was going to miss "just us."
This time the feeling is different. It involves the heart of a little girl who has been our whole world for almost 3.5 years. She's been it. My heart outside my body. Aaron's little buddy and clone. She rules the roost. She is fun, exciting, hilarious, so very smart, super strong personality, stunningly beautiful, has the best laugh, loves us something fierce and is the greatest challenge only God knew we needed. There are often days when I ask God "why did you pick us? What do you see in us that you thought would make us good parents to her? We are constantly needing to look to you because we feel we're failing." He has taught me "that's why. You needed a child who made you look to me. I didn't design parenthood to be something you handled on your own. I give you my children to raise on Earth, but you need my help." We love that sweet girl with every ounce of ourselves.
Here's the hardest part of being 1 week away from my due date. I am huge. I am tired. I am sore. I get out of breath easily. I am trying to raise a 3.5 year old and focus on my labor and delivery coming up. That's a challenge. But when Peyton says "momma hold me" and I can't, it breaks my heart. There are some times during the day when I physically just can't hold her. It hurts me so deeply and I know it does her too. Remember when I said she's super smart? She knows. She knows we are about to rock her little world. It won't be until much much later that she will realize we were giving her her "forever best friend." Aaron and I both have one and we honestly can't imagine our lives without Jordan (my younger sister) and Brandon (Aaron's younger brother). Our lives are certainly better because we have them. Yes growing up you fight like crazy or they get on your nerves, but we are better people because of them. I know Peyton and Avery will be the best of friends. I am so thankful God chose Peyton to be an older sister. I know she will be so so good at it. She is a leader and I can already see that in her. Aaron and I are both the oldest and it is a responsibility. Avery will ALWAYS look to her older sister for help, support, guidance and encouragement. Peyton will be so good at it. But let me tell you as the older sibling it's a joy and honor to be your younger sibling's biggest cheerleader. Aaron and I love cheering for Jordan and Brandon. We always have their backs, we always want what's best (even if they have to learn it the hard way - ahem Jordan), we wish we could glue their feet to our own paths because we know what worked and what didn't... but encourage them and support them down their own path (even if we're a nervous wreck for them the whole time). Peyton will rock that too. She will love her little sister so much.
But the last week has been really hard for little P. She has definitely pushed her daddy and I to our absolute breaking points on multiple occasions because she's just responding to the stress of our family dynamic about to change. Yesterday I walked up to the check out line at Kroger sobbing uncontrollably because we had SUCH a bad day. To end the grocery trip P was screaming at the top of her lungs "NOOOOO!" all because she thought we were leaving because she was in trouble for throwing down the yogurt carton which busted. We were leaving because my basket was completely filled and checklist completed. I was so tired, humiliated, ankles swollen and just reached my limit. At the end of her fit she said "momma hold me." It hit me at the moment, with our recent move and me not being able to hold her as much because of my belly, she is CRAVING my affection and attention. It's hard not to feel a little guilty. I know that will eventually go away, but today as the birth of Avery gets closer and closer, it's just hard. I love Peyton so much it hurts and I never want to see her hurting. So while I am trying to soak up every single minute of just mommy-Peyton time I get frustrated when we have days like yesterday. I want them all to be such happy memories and I don't want to look back and think about how hard it was.
Even though I'm not there yet, I imagine I won't remember the hard days, I will remember the sweet new beginnings. I will remember P meeting Avery for the first time at the hospital. Our first picture as a family of 4. I will remember seeing her in her new role as awesome big sister - helping with diaper changes, the huge smile on her face as she introduces Avery to everyone "this is my baby sister Avery Kate", making Avery laugh and growing up before our very eyes.
So this morning when my sweet friend who took the picture below said "how are you still holding her?!?!" I said "it's REALLY hard and there are some times during the day when I just can't. But right now, I'm feeling good so I will carry her all the way from the front of the church to the back because I know it will make her feel loved." xoxo Lauren
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