Oh man. I am struggling and a hot mess as I pull out P's old clothes for Av to wear. Like this little romper... It's such a reminder of how my little baby in that picture is about to be 4. I look back at these photos and how I had NO CLUE how hard age 3 would be. I had no idea how mean I would end up being to that sweet face when I get so frustrated with her. I never thought I would get to a point where goodness I love her so much my heart genuinely gets caught in my throat, but hate the "horrible" child I'm looking at throw an ungodly tantrum. I had no idea at 6 months what it was like to give more of myself than I thought possible. I didn't know what being on my knees in prayer really meant until I looked at her one day and saw a sinful heart that I can't control on my own. It wasn't ever super clear to me that I couldn't do this on my own, until I felt like I was drowning in "parenting."
Gosh I look at that face and it breaks my heart that she will ever feel hurt and I hate that sometimes it's me that hurts her feelings. I know there is a difference in a "3 year old phase" and super strong will... and I know I have a super strong willed daughter with a deeply sensitive heart. But goodness gracious why did God think I- ME?!?- was equipped to mother her? Sometimes I get angry at Him because I feel like I fail her all.the.time.
You know what... I don't think God chose me because He thought I could "handle it." I think He found someone broken enough that couldn't do it on her own... she needed a team that consists of her village of friends, a loving, sensitive, super hands on husband who would genuinely give his life for his daughters and a very patient and very eager God to help. Raising children is such a daunting task and don't get me wrong, her successes and failures do NOT define me as Lauren, but God has allowed me the front row seat to her life. I genuinely can't wait to see how He uses her. And if I'm honest, and I take the time, I think it's pretty cool to look back and see how He has grown me through parenting her. Growing pains are just that... painful. But they are necessary to become the wife, mother, friend, daughter, leader God has called me to be. My daughters are the most beautiful little people I know (yes... I'm biased that Aaron and I make beautiful babies) and I'm thankful He chose them to teach me.
I'm eagerly as excited to see how God uses Avery. To be in the same family as Peyton, that girl will be tough. Just as long as her backbone is to stand up to lead with P and not make me crazy! My prayer is they love God, one another and have hearts of service for others. I look at my new little 6 month old and I am thankful for the lessons I have learned, (the hard way - I have NO idea where P gets it) the years of "experience" and the chance to not necessarily "get it right" with Avery, but realize the grace I so desperately need. God knew my first born needed to be strong because I also had so much to learn. Well... I still do.
Ok yes this was super sappy and not at all what I'm supposed to be doing (remember, I was going through clothes during nap time and either of them could wake up any moment!) but I just had to write my thoughts down. Momma- you haven't failed your littles. You aren't supposed to have it all figured out- God does. The blessing is He allowed you a front row seat to cheer on, guide and LOVE that precious baby... ahem almost 4 year old kid.
Lauren
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