What I didn't know at 6 months

Peyton- around 6 months

Oh man. I am struggling and a hot mess as I pull out P's old clothes for Av to wear. Like this little romper... It's such a reminder of how my little baby in that picture is about to be 4. I look back at these photos and how I had NO CLUE how hard age 3 would be. I had no idea how mean I would end up being to that sweet face when I get so frustrated with her. I never thought I would get to a point where goodness I love her so much my heart genuinely gets caught in my throat, but hate the "horrible" child I'm looking at throw an ungodly tantrum. I had no idea at 6 months what it was like to give more of myself than I thought possible. I didn't know what being on my knees in prayer really meant until I looked at her one day and saw a sinful heart that I can't control on my own. It wasn't ever super clear to me that I couldn't do this on my own, until I felt like I was drowning in "parenting." 

Gosh I look at that face and it breaks my heart that she will ever feel hurt and I hate that sometimes it's me that hurts her feelings. I know there is a difference in a "3 year old phase" and super strong will... and I know I have a super strong willed daughter with a deeply sensitive heart. But goodness gracious why did God think I- ME?!?- was equipped to mother her? Sometimes I get angry at Him because I feel like I fail her all.the.time. 

You know what... I don't think God chose me because He thought I could "handle it." I think He found someone broken enough that couldn't do it on her own... she needed a team that consists of her village of friends, a loving, sensitive, super hands on husband who would genuinely give his life for his daughters and a very patient and very eager God to help. Raising children is such a daunting task and don't get me wrong, her successes and failures do NOT define me as Lauren, but God has allowed me the front row seat to her life. I genuinely can't wait to see how He uses her. And if I'm honest, and I take the time, I think it's pretty cool to look back and see how He has grown me through parenting her. Growing pains are just that... painful. But they are necessary to become the wife, mother, friend, daughter, leader God has called me to be. My daughters are the most beautiful little people I know (yes... I'm biased that Aaron and I make beautiful babies) and I'm thankful He chose them to teach me. 

I'm eagerly as excited to see how God uses Avery. To be in the same family as Peyton, that girl will be tough. Just as long as her backbone is to stand up to lead with P and not make me crazy! My prayer is they love God, one another and have hearts of service for others. I look at my new little 6 month old and I am thankful for the lessons I have learned, (the hard way - I have NO idea where P gets it) the years of "experience" and the chance to not necessarily "get it right" with Avery, but realize the grace I so desperately need. God knew my first born needed to be strong because I also had so much to learn. Well... I still do. 

Ok yes this was super sappy and not at all what I'm supposed to be doing (remember, I was going through clothes during nap time and either of them could wake up any moment!) but I just had to write my thoughts down. Momma- you haven't failed your littles. You aren't supposed to have it all figured out- God does. The blessing is He allowed you a front row seat to cheer on, guide and LOVE that precious baby... ahem almost 4 year old kid. 

Lauren

Avery Kate's Birth Story

Yes this is long! but I'm a "details" kinda person and I never want to forget any of these details.

At 9:45 pm Aaron and I were watching tv and I said "hang on. I need to pee real quick." While I was peeing it felt like I peed an air bubble which felt so strange. After wiping I realized I still felt "wet" and there were 2 drops of fluid on the floor. So I called Aaron in the bathroom and said "I think my water might have broken? But I'm not sure because there wasn't a gush like there was with Peyton?!" So he suggested to call Karen, my doula. She said it's possible I had a high break and baby was acting as cork keeping the rest of my bag of waters intact. She suggested to call and at least let my midwife know what was going on. Titi was the midwife on call and she suggested the same thing and to stay home until my contractions started. We called our neighbor Erica, Lillie and Eli's mom, at 10 pm so she could come get Peyton. She was here for about an hour while we packed the car up and got everything ready for when we needed to leave. Still no contractions at this point. I took a shower and got dressed in the skirt and shirt I wanted to labor in. Finally around 11 we woke up Peyton so she could go to Erica's. She knew that when she was going to a sleepover at Ms. Erica's house it was because mommy and daddy were headed to the hospital. But she was in such a deep sleep it didn't seem to register so she wasn't worried like we anticipated. She was pretty groggy but excited to have a sleepover! 

My contractions started about midnight and were about 7 minutes apart lasting 40 seconds. I had laid down in our bed and was able to actually breathe through them and rest in between. At 1:15 I got up to pee and a blood clot fell on the floor then 2 more in the toilet. Called Titi back and she said "oh ok. Well given you have a 45 minute drive and your last labor was quick... Go ahead and leave your house within the next 10 minutes." So 1:30 we headed to the hospital! Contractions on the way to the hospital were about 5-7 minutes apart and I was still able to intentionally breathe through them. 

Once we got to triage I still had some bleeding that was a little more than normal so they ran some blood tests just to make sure I didn't have pre-eclampsia. I was dilated to 5 almost 6, 100% effaced and Avery was at a -1 station. Titi said she could feel her head very nicely. She also said she could feel a bulge in my bag of waters which meant my membranes hadn't officially ruptured! Praise God!!! We were in triage for what seemed like awhile. Contractions were still 5-7 minutes apart but were a little bit of a challenge because I was propped up in bed. The pain was at about a 6 and I was very mindful that they weren't as bad as they were going to get. I was still in a mindset where I didn't need to put my whole focus on relaxing in between contractions. My shaking was minimal but I did have to focus on staying calm and not having a fan blowing on me.

Once we got into labor and delivery, Aaron worked hard to get everything all set up: my music with my birth playlist, getting out my scriptures to remind me my strength was coming from God, keeping up with our belongings and setting up my family photos for inspiration. He was also very vigilant on keeping my water bottle full. The nurse said that because of the bleeding I needed to stay on the monitor. I was able to sit on the ball to help with contractions instead of lay on the bed while they hooked up the monitors. Avery  was so low it was tough to get an accurate reading with the monitor especially sitting on the ball. But I really appreciated everyone trying hard to honor my birth plan request of letting me labor how I wanted to, when I wanted to. The position that helped the most with contractions was laying over the ball placed on the bed. Then when the contractions started to pick up in intensity Karen and Aaron started putting counter pressure on my back and that was a lifesaver!!! At this point I was pretty focused and serious but wasn't easily bothered. 

About 4:00 am I was swaying back and forth on the ball (still placed on the bed) and I felt my bag officially rupture and the gush of water hit the floor. Titi said "lets go to the bathroom just to make sure there wasn't anymore bleeding." While I was in the bathroom I felt my whole mood change. I was getting strong urges in my back and I started moaning during contractions. I was easily irritable. I could hear Aaron playing with a tennis ball in the room and I got pretty annoyed. (He didn't know it though until much later we were talking through everything!) Once I got back into the L&D room they wanted me to lay in a side lying position on the bed so I could get Avery into position. I was miserable and noticeably in transition. Luckily for me, transition only lasted about 15 minutes. In between contractions I was shaking a lot. It felt very similar to my labor with Peyton. Which confirms for me that once my membranes rupture my contractions get really intense and my adrenaline gets crazy! I felt like a caged animal because I felt like there had to be a better way to handle my contractions and laying down wasn't helping! Then I heard this noise that sounded like a drill and I snapped "what is that noise?!?" Aaron let me know it was the midwife getting the light from the ceiling ready because we were about to have a baby." I said "are we really that close?!" Titi said "well momma you tell me. What do you feel?" I replied "I don't know but I HAVE to push right now!" 

Titi checked my cervix and I was 9.5 cm dilated! I said "oh come on, Avery! I'm ready!" The rest of the .5 dilation was a cervical lip. So Titi put her fingers in it and I just had to push her fingers out and I was at a 10! At 4:23 Aaron sent out a text saying "we're minutes away." Which was when Titi was pulling down the light and I started pushing. Avery was born at 4:35 am. The time between my membranes rupturing and hearing Avery's first cry happened incredibly fast! Much quicker than I ever dreamed! The pushing though was so hard. For whatever reason I felt like I was pushing and nothing was happening. I had this irrational fear that I was going to be a "2 hour pusher." (Which was irrational because I only pushed for 20 minutes with Peyton. There was no reason to believe Avery's birth would be any different!) At one point I said "I can't do this" and Aaron said "Lauren, look down at your prize." Avery's head was completely out and I only had one more push. So one more gentle push and she was completely out. They immediately handed her to me. Aaron pulled up my shirt so I could put her on my chest while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing. Then Aaron cut her umbilical cord which was so special to watch. Aaron, Karen and Titi did such a great job reminding me not to push too hard or too fast. Aaron's voice is the one I heard the most and because of him I only had a 1st degree, very minor tear. 

Right away we could tell Avery was going to have a pretty soft cry. They were even trying to get her to cry a little louder just make sure she was ok! We did skin to skin immediately but she wasn't interested right away in nursing. It took a few minutes before she was ready! We were in the L&D room until about 7:30 and then we headed up to post-partum. We were exhausted. I could hardly keep my eyes open!

Avery's birth was exactly what we had prepared and hoped for! The contractions didn't feel out of my control. It's crazy to think back on it and how different it was from Peyton's birth. Obviously the outcome with a perfect little baby was the same. But I loved how alert and active I was during labor. Aaron was a rockstar because he knew much more about what to expect and was equipped to know what I needed. Having a doula was amazing. What mattered the most and where she was worth gold was how at ease she made Aaron feel which made me feel at ease. It was definitely the right choice for us to see a midwife, have a doula, take 12 weeks of Bradley Method classes and deliver at Texas Children's Pavilion for Women. For Peyton's birth I prepared by eating healthily, taking time for myself, reading books, taking the classes at the hospital and made sure she had everything she would need once she got here. For Avery's birth, I still did most of those but the difference was I prepared my body physically, spiritually and I made education about the birthing process a priority! 

It would have been nice to have the same birth for Peyton as I did Avery. But P's birth will always have such a special place in my heart too because at 9:54 am on 1/30/13 was the first time I had ever felt that kind of love!!! Both girls are completely different so it's only fitting they each have their own unique birth experience and entrance in this world! 

Last picture of Avery in my belly! Taken around 10:15 pm!

Arriving at the hospital.

 In triage.

I printed off some pictures that inspire me. Peyton, Avery, running the Houston Half Marathon and of course my biggest cheerleader, Aaron. It helped that he was wearing the "Drop the Hammer" shirt! :)

 Breathing through a contraction.

The counter pressure on my lower back.... game changer.

Letting Avery finish getting into position...

Pushing!

 

She's Here! Avery Kate Fry 8 pounds 2 ounces, 20.75 inches born at 4:35 on 6.23.2016

We did it!

 So thankful for my doula, Karen!

The wonderful team God used to help me through my natural labor and delivery! Karen (doula), Aaron (awesome coach), Titi (midwife), Rachelle (nurse)!

 

 Nursing Avery for the first time!

My absolute favorite... His love and tender heart for our girls is a beautiful thing.

If you made it through all of this....bless you! xoxo Lauren

The Hardest Part About 39 weeks

So today marks 39 weeks for pregnancy #2. Like most all moms say... whew this one just FLEW by. I was talking to Aaron a couple weeks ago and I said, we are about to have THIS baby. THIS baby that didn't happen right away like we planned. THIS baby girl God vividly assured me he had for us back last August on our San Antonio mission trip. THIS baby that we talked about at our First Family Retreat last fall when I was crying so hard I could actually not get the words out. THIS is the baby our First Family prayed over us. She is coming, and coming soon. God is good.

In the last few days I have realized though how much our family is about to change, and that's really hard for both Aaron and I. When Peyton was born it was bittersweet because it was no longer Aaron and I. We were married for 5 years before we had her... on purpose. Our marriage has to be #1 always. Our kids do not come before our marriage. When our marriage is solid and resting in God, our family follows suit. So we took that time to just be married. We knew Peyton would be a perfect addition, but there wouldn't be anymore last minute trips or whenever-we-wanted-date-nights (I mean seriously, when there aren't any kids though... every night is a date night. Trust me - non-children, married friends. Dinner at home just the two of you? Date night. Quick lunch at CFA just the two of you? Date.). So while we were excited and ready to meet Little Miss Small Fry #1, there was a part of us that was going to miss "just us."

This time the feeling is different. It involves the heart of a little girl who has been our whole world for almost 3.5 years. She's been it. My heart outside my body. Aaron's little buddy and clone. She rules the roost. She is fun, exciting, hilarious, so very smart, super strong personality, stunningly beautiful, has the best laugh, loves us something fierce and is the greatest challenge only God knew we needed. There are often days when I ask God "why did you pick us? What do you see in us that you thought would make us good parents to her? We are constantly needing to look to you because we feel we're failing." He has taught me "that's why. You needed a child who made you look to me. I didn't design parenthood to be something you handled on your own. I give you my children to raise on Earth, but you need my help." We love that sweet girl with every ounce of ourselves.

Here's the hardest part of being 1 week away from my due date. I am huge. I am tired. I am sore. I get out of breath easily. I am trying to raise a 3.5 year old and focus on my labor and delivery coming up. That's a challenge. But when Peyton says "momma hold me" and I can't, it breaks my heart. There are some times during the day when I physically just can't hold her. It hurts me so deeply and I know it does her too. Remember when I said she's super smart? She knows. She knows we are about to rock her little world. It won't be until much much later that she will realize we were giving her her "forever best friend." Aaron and I both have one and we honestly can't imagine our lives without Jordan (my younger sister) and Brandon (Aaron's younger brother). Our lives are certainly better because we have them. Yes growing up you fight like crazy or they get on your nerves, but we are better people because of them. I know Peyton and Avery will be the best of friends. I am so thankful God chose Peyton to be an older sister. I know she will be so so good at it. She is a leader and I can already see that in her. Aaron and I are both the oldest and it is a responsibility. Avery will ALWAYS look to her older sister for help, support, guidance and encouragement. Peyton will be so good at it. But let me tell you as the older sibling it's a joy and honor to be your younger sibling's biggest cheerleader. Aaron and I love cheering for Jordan and Brandon. We always have their backs, we always want what's best (even if they have to learn it the hard way - ahem Jordan), we wish we could glue their feet to our own paths because we know what worked and what didn't... but encourage them and support them down their own path (even if we're a nervous wreck for them the whole time). Peyton will rock that too. She will love her little sister so much.

But the last week has been really hard for little P. She has definitely pushed her daddy and I to our absolute breaking points on multiple occasions because she's just responding to the stress of our family dynamic about to change. Yesterday I walked up to the check out line at Kroger sobbing uncontrollably because we had SUCH a bad day. To end the grocery trip P was screaming at the top of her lungs "NOOOOO!" all because she thought we were leaving because she was in trouble for throwing down the yogurt carton which busted. We were leaving because my basket was completely filled and checklist completed. I was so tired, humiliated, ankles swollen and just reached my limit. At the end of her fit she said "momma hold me." It hit me at the moment, with our recent move and me not being able to hold her as much because of my belly, she is CRAVING my affection and attention. It's hard not to feel a little guilty. I know that will eventually go away, but today as the birth of Avery gets closer and closer, it's just hard. I love Peyton so much it hurts and I never want to see her hurting. So while I am trying to soak up every single minute of just mommy-Peyton time I get frustrated when we have days like yesterday. I want them all to be such happy memories and I don't want to look back and think about how hard it was.

Even though I'm not there yet, I imagine I won't remember the hard days, I will remember the sweet new beginnings. I will remember P meeting Avery for the first time at the hospital. Our first picture as a family of 4. I will remember seeing her in her new role as awesome big sister - helping with diaper changes, the huge smile on her face as she introduces Avery to everyone "this is my baby sister Avery Kate", making Avery laugh and growing up before our very eyes.

So this morning when my sweet friend who took the picture below said "how are you still holding her?!?!" I said "it's REALLY hard and there are some times during the day when I just can't. But right now, I'm feeling good so I will carry her all the way from the front of the church to the back because I know it will make her feel loved." xoxo Lauren

28 weeks... HOW?!

How in the world are we at 28 weeks and the 3rd trimester already? That's pretty crazy to me. I wanted to write down some things to mark this milestone in my pregnancy. I know it's normal to not be quite as intentional with the 2nd pregnancy as the 1st, but I feel bad. So I'm trying to be better at taking the fun pictures and writing about the milestones! So here goes!

How far along: 28 weeks! At our appointment this past week baby is measuring about a week bigger. Kinda hoping my high protein diet (recommended by the Bradley Method) doesn't cause me to have a super big baby. I was completely content with a 7 lb 12 oz little bundle last time around! Ha!
Gender: IT'S A GIRL! Her name will be Avery Kate.
Weight Gain: 23 lb. YIKES. Apparently I'm right on track, but I feel ginormous.
Maternity Clothes: Oh my. So I had been wearing jeans and maternity tees. But the other day we walked home from the park in 86 degree weather and I thought I was going to have a heat stroke. The very next day I took my little lady shopping and we got momma some tank tops and shorts. I do not know how I am going to survive May and June. Funny joke, God. Real funny! (I am also looking forward to maxi dresses. Amen.)
Sleep: Not well at all. I am tossing about every hour. I also noticed last night that I am now in the "hips fall asleep" stage. I really think this is backwards... shouldn't this be the time where I get to stockpile sleep?!? No? Also, my arms can fall asleep too. Last night Aaron fell asleep after me and left the tv on so I reached over him to grab the remote to turn it off. I was able to successfully lift my arm but didn't realize it was asleep until it limply and uncontrollably fell down and I smacked Aaron in the face. Oops!!!! :) That'll teach him to leave the tv on! Ha! Oh and I would give anything for a catheter at night. the peeing is crazy! I didn't experience this with Peyton until about week 36 or so. Even then it wasn't near as much as with this pregnancy!
Best moment this month: Talking to Peyton about feeding her baby sister. She asked me yesterday if she could help me feed her. So I told her that her baby sister wouldn't be taking a bottle all the time and that she would breastfeed. She asked how that would happen so I explained that to her and she said "But I can still help!" Knowing Peyton, she will definitely still insist she can help once Avery is here. Today at breakfast Peyton informed Aaron (are you thinking bacon and eggs around our family table this morning? Oh nope. We were in a restaurant.) that "when her baby sister comes, milk comes from mommy's boobies and she is going to help feed her." My conversation with her didn't quite go like that... but I think she gets it?!?! Haha!
Worst moment this month: Pretty much anytime I snap at Peyton because I'm just exhausted. We are also moving and still in the process of selling our house. So my stress level can jump to "crazy person" kinda easily. Sometimes I end the day disappointed how many times I got frustrated with her because of my own stress or agenda.
Miss anything: Being able to to do physical things like pick up a heavy box, hold Peyton whenever I want or do my normal pre-pregnancy exercise.
Movement: ALL.THE.TIME. Oh my goodness! This little girl moves sooo much more than Peyton did. She is on the move constantly! :)
Cravings: Orange juice, fruit smoothies, cottage cheese, my non-dairy ice cream!
Queasy or sick: No, thank goodness!
Looking forward to: My baby showers to celebrate Miss Avery! :)

How God fits into Pregnancy #2

So here we are closer to half way through pregnancy #2 than I would like -- 16 weeks to be exact. This pregnancy has been so incredibly different than my pregnancy with Peyton. Like night and day difference. Could it be a boy and that's why? Guess we'll find out in a couple weeks, but for now I think I will just blame it on my heart (although there really wasn't any denying the terrible nausea and fatigue. Holy smokes.).

You see, when Aaron and I began trying for #2 things didn't go according to our plans and our world was rocked. With Peyton it happened immediately. This one, God had some teaching and working to do. When I began falling on my face before God and having real conversations with Him about our future plans for our family, I had not ever up to this point prayed for something so hard. It was truly a humbling, inspiring and growing experience for us. We grew so much in our faith, together as a couple and as a family. Then one day in October, right after our amazing trip to Disney World, I got a positive pregnancy test. Happy end of the story, right? Not yet. 

Right after I freaked out, went to show Aaron and my heart leaped with happiness, it was very heavy. I immediately thought about the people who are so close to me who have experienced loss and at that very moment I put my sweet pregnancy in a glass box. Where I really thought it would be safe. "Safe," maybe. But so far away. In that glass box I also put God in there as the protector. Which sounds good except, I need Him. In this time of life where goodness gracious I need Him to guide me, lead me and save me everyday, I can't access Him when he is in a glass box. 

I hit my breaking point last week. My poor, sweet midwife had no idea who she was getting last Thursday at my appointment. A broken momma. I know it sounds crazy, but God showed up in my exam room to hold me and encourage me through that sweet midwife. I had huge disconnect going on. My head was saying "Ok whoa. You have a full fledged, cannot hide it anymore, baby bump. Your body is growing out of control." But I couldn't connect those physical changes to a sweet baby because I wasn't allowing myself to feel pregnant. Remember, that pregnancy was in a glass box. I didn't have access to it. 

I started to feel down and out of control. I was GREATLY reminded (thanks to Satan) of the Houston Marathon coming up this weekend. I even cried on the way to breakfast last Saturday because I kept seeing the Marathon signs at all the Chevron gas stations. Hormonal? Maybe. This time last year I was in the best shape of my life. I felt great emotionally, spiritually, physically -- all around. Not only was I in great shape, I was doing something for ME. I was working toward a goal that not only I achieved, I actually did pretty well. It felt good. Now, I was just out of control... and all for what? I had some heart-homework to do. Operation "talk to a lot of my mom friends who have 2 kids and get my feelings out there" had begun. Then I had my appointment on Thursday and it clicked. I heard the heartbeat of my sweet baby and I just wept. It was like the wall around my heart just melted. 

Fast forward to today. At our church we are getting ready for IF:Gathering and we started a new study today to prepare our hearts. At IF:Gathering we will be digging deeper into what it means to live like Jesus. Well in order to live like Jesus, you have to know Him. We are studying Jesus' "I AM" statements to learn WHO He is. Today's statement was "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father expect through me." John 14:6. Oh you mean to know God I can't just put Him in a glass box? Nope. I need Jesus. This study is perfect timing for me. I know studying the life of Jesus and believing He is who he says he is, is what I need. I am in need of a savior. I can't hold onto my pregnancy or my faith with a death grip anymore... I just need Jesus. 

2016 has already started out pretty deep. Whew. I have a feeling I am going to need to hold on tight to Jesus this year. It's going to be quite the ride.

Just for fun (and my own sweet memories), a few pregnancy facts (I think I will add a bump picture later):
How far along: 16 weeks
Gender: Don't know yet! We really would be thrilled with either boy or girl. Girl: We know this. Been there, done that. Also, I have a sister so I know how amazing having a sister would be for Peyton. Boy: I would love to see Aaron also be a dad to a boy. I think it would be fun to have one of each gender for each of us. Also, I think it would be easier on #2 if it's a boy. Peyton is such a strong force to be reckoned with, there are big shoes to fill for a little sister. Whereas with a boy, he will pave his own way. Those are totally just my thoughts but we genuinely would be happy with either a boy or girl! Our predictions - Me: boy Aaron: girl. (His momma always said to punish him for all the heck he put her through, he would have all girls. So he said "If mom had anything to do with it... it's a girl" :)) We will find out in a few weeks.
Weight gain: 10 lbs.(I really hope that's normal! Ha!)
Maternity clothes: Wearing mostly maternity clothes or comfy sweats around the house. I put maternity pants on at week 10. My sweet belly popped MUCH quicker than with Peyton. yikes!
Sleep: Still sleeping great.
Best moment this month: So far, hearing the heartbeat last week. But I am pretty sure celebrating Peyton's 3rd birthday at the very end will be such an emotional and fun highlight! HOW IS SHE ALMOST 3?!?!
Worst moment this month: Working though my emotions mentioned above was rough, but so worth it!
Miss anything: My non-maternity clothes. For whatever reason I am NOT into the rouching on most maternity shirts this time around.
Movement: Yes! I can definitely feel sweet little flutters... especially when big sister is sitting in my lap!
Cravings: Chips and salsa, diet root beer and diet ginger ale.
Queasy or sick: Feeling MUCH better. Second trimester is where it's at.
Looking forward to: Finding out if it's a boy or girl and sharing with our family! ;)

xoxo Lauren

God's work in me this summer.

Right now I am not exactly sure what to write, so I am just praying God moves. When I write, I like for there to be an "aha ending" and nice way to wrap everything with a pretty little bow. I am not really sure how this post will end, but again, just praying for God to move. It's probably going to be long... buckle up.

God has certainly been working in my life this summer, but not necessarily in ways I planned or even understand. He has been subtle. His MO has been very undercover, but a constant tap on the shoulder. I truly believe God has been saying to me "I have heard your every prayer. I have cried with you. I have smiled and rejoiced with you. I have been holding your hand. I have been cheering you on. But I am not fully ready to trust you with my plan just yet. I am still growing you. Just trust Me."

"Just trust Me." Probably the hardest 3 words God could say to a girl like me. I am quite the planner. Just ask any of my family and friends. They will tell you, and they would probably laugh while telling you. It's a bit ridiculous. So when I told my friends, yeah we are planning to get pregnant in May, they knew I meant business and I already had Plan A and the necessary bullet points of how life was to follow. Funny thing is, God clearly has had different plans. (Please hear me, we are aren't at this point thinking we are having fertility issues and I have even hesitated sharing this because I by no means am comparing my situation to any one else's. But in order to share my heart, this has been a major part of it.) I mean when I tell you I had it all planned out, I knew to the moment when I would ovulate, and I mean come on... it's science! My body knew exactly what to do 3 years ago... so DUH it would just follow suit this time. Nope. Basal temps every morning. Check. Cervix. Check. Fluids. Check. Knowing all kinds of symptoms during each phase of my cycle. Check. Knew it ALL like the back of my hand. (Sorry if for some reason there is a random guy reading this... you probably didn't want all that... but there it was.) But it didn't happen like I had planned. "I was upset" is an understatement.

Then I remembered something I had learned in my Ladies Bible Study during a Jennie Allen study, the thing I am holding onto the tightest, is the thing I need to let go the most. God wanted to take that from me. But, I didn't really want to let it go. Because here's the thing I have struggled with: being content with the "control" God does allow me to have verses controlling THE WHOLE SITUATION. God so graciously allows the woman to carry a tiny little human, but He gets to plan it. Not me. That's really hard. So that has pretty much consumed my summer.

Up until last weekend. Last weekend Aaron and I served together in a mission trip with some of the people from our First Family (aka small group, but we are family to each other... so we like "first family" better). That was a life-changing weekend. I know I can't do it justice in this blog, but I will try. We served with an organization called DOOR in San Antonio. Basically what DOOR does is facilitate and coordinate volunteers for other organizations. Their mission is "See the Face of God in the City." Seeing the Face of God is exactly what happened. In a gut-wrenching way. On Saturday we served with Habitat for Humanity helping Andie build her new home for her and her daughter. My favorite part of this service? Serving right along side Andie. The most rewarding part to me was seeing the pride she took in HER house and being able to help.

Saturday night, we did a "Homeless Walk" and I had tears in my eyes pretty much the whole time. This activity wrecked me the most. I knew going into it this would be an easy thing to "just go through the motions." I told God (and myself) "ok I am only going to get out of this what I put into it." So I knew if I just walked without any thought or meaning, it would just be another walk. But once God had a hold on my heart, it was so much more than that. We started off by reading the story of Zacchaeus and each husband/wife group of 4 was assigned an identity. My identity was naturally a single mother with 2 kids. We started in a park and walked through the heart of downtown San Antonio where the greatest population of homeless stay. So as a homeless mother of 2 girls (I had 2 girls in my story, Peyton and Avery. Very clear, but random.) I would go from place to place downtown where ever I knew we could stay or get a meal. As we were walking under this overpass, on a sidewalk that didn't even feel big enough for Aaron and I to walk side-by-side, there were cars flying past us. I imagined walking with my 2 girls terrified that at any moment my wild toddler could step off the side walk and I would lose her in an instant. How could I possibly wrangle 2 by myself? There was glass everywhere, how could I keep one of them from stepping on it? What if they didn't have shoes? I get stressed getting my one child in and out of a restaurant, what about the stress of making it on time to get the free meal that an organization was graciously serving me? Then there was my pride. How could I have possibly gotten myself in this situation? My daughters deserved better than that. How would I be able to get us out of this situation so my daughters could have a better life? Would I be angry at God or lean on Him? I think that would depend on the day. God was stirring in my heart in a big way.

During the walk we came across a woman and a man standing in a convenient store parking lot and appeared to be waiting for the bus. The woman was very friendly to us and asked for some bus money. Most of us didn't bring our wallets or purses... but I did. I had "accidentally" left my purse in the car from Habitat that morning and Aaron didn't feel comfortable leaving it in the car at night during our walk. So I carried it. When she asked for money, I felt convicted or compelled to give her money. I really struggled with "was I being led by the Holy Spirit or did I do it out of guilt," because I was clearly carrying my purse and I knew there was money in it. So I gave her what I had and then immediately asked God to show me I did the right thing because I felt weird and I didn't know why.

Sunday morning we woke up pretty early and headed to an organization called Haven For Hope (H4H). This organization offers anything from transitional housing, meals, detox center, free child care and help to get homeless or working poor on their feet. We served breakfast, lunch and helped with any cleaning and organization needs they had. I didn't get to serve breakfast because I was busy cracking 60 dozen eggs with Kaleena. (side note: she and I haven't been able to have a lot of one on one time together in the almost 2 years we have been in our First Family and our time together couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Her family is moving to the Philippines next week for 6 months-1 year. God timing right there.) So during lunch the awesome coordinator, Becky, made sure Kaleena and I had an opportunity to serve. I was in charge of scanning all of the cards because in order to get a meal, you have to be a member of H4H so for each meal they get their card scanned. I was the first person they saw when they came to get their meal. I would be lying if I didn't admit I was feeling a little bit of pressure, so I just asked God to move. After seeing a ton of faces I didn't know, but I was trying to remember each one, I saw a familiar face. She said "hi beautiful. How are you today." I instantly thought "I know her. I have seen her before. I have heard her voice before." Then it clicked. I said "Hi! I'm good. I know you from somewhere! Were you wearing a Cowboys jersey yesterday?" She said "Ya know what... yes I was! How do you know me?" I said "I met you last night outside of a convenient store!" She said "Oh that's cool! I think I remember you!" Now whether or not she did, I have no idea. For me that wasn't the point. That was God. For me, that was God saying "thank you for having a servant, obedient heart last night. I was there. Your gut feeling was the Holy Spirit moving." That was all I needed.

Monday morning we served at a place called Catholic Worker House. It is just a regular house downtown that offers people who happen to be homeless a place to feel "at home." They can use a restroom, use a phone, have their mail sent here, have a meal, cup of coffee in a real mug, even watch a movie. This was the perfect way to end the trip. I genuinely felt at times we were all just "hanging out." We got to share a meal with the people who came for lunch and we also got to "interview" someone who was willing to tell us their story. I don't know that I had any "Earth shattering" moments while I was there and I think that was the point. I really think God wanted me to just soak it in and just feel equal. It was as if, I knew there was a difference between "us" and "them" because I knew in a few hours I was headed back to my home... but at the same time there wasn't a difference. I didn't feel any different than I would necessarily at my own home. In my home, I am in charge of making and serving the food as well as the clean up. Then once that's done, or in between, I sit and visit with my company. To me that's how it felt. I was prepping and serving the food, but I got to visit with "my company." It was as if we were all at a "home" together.

Since last weekend the question I have repeatedly asked God "ok now what?" What in the world are you doing? Before last weekend my whole thought space was consumed with "what is this year going to look like? What are your plans, God, for expanding my family?" Now my thoughts are "God you are working in me. I know it. I can feel it. But I am not sure what to do with it. I'm not sure how to work through it and process it. Where do you want me to serve? What does giving you my everything so you can do anything look like?"

I have been reading "Anything" by Jennie Allen and my goodness that wasn't by accident either. I actually bought the book a long time ago, but never read it for whatever reason. I started reading it in May... right before we starting "trying to get pregnant." Ummm the whole premise of the book is praying for God to do "anything" in your life. But for Him to do that, you have to surrender your EVERYTHING (also read: give Him the white-knuckled planning of your family you have so perfectly laid out.) Again, the thing I am holding onto the tightest is the thing I need to let go of the most. The very fact that I was so devastated that my plan wasn't the same as God's plan is ridiculous. That was a dead giveaway that I wasn't doing something right. I should NEVER being holding something so tightly that I actually believe "I have a right for it to work out this way. My way."

God has 100% been saying to be this summer "I am working. I have a plan for your life. But I need you to give me everything, first. I need you to become the least. I need you to love me by serving and loving my people." I honestly have NO idea what any of that looks like. But I am willing. I don't even think it's a matter of "Serve my people and I will give you a baby." That sounds ridiculous. I laughed out loud when I typed that. I honestly don't feel that's it. But, I can tell you that the very fact that my thoughts this past week have absolutely not been consumed by my reproductive system is a true testament to the fact that God is working. It isn't about "when am I going to have a baby?" it's about "God where are you leading me? What does my and my family's life look like when it's fully surrendered to you? Please continue to stretch and grow me. I don't want to miss this."

So I don't know if there is a nicely tied bow around allothat. I honestly don't think so because I think this is just the beginning. I have a feeling this blog post will be continued. :) But that's my heart right now. It feels somedays like it could explode. There really is so much more to it, but for some reason all that I have written is all for this post. :) I'm just trusting God to move.

Thanks for reading this kinda random post after not posting in a good while. There very well could be typos, which drive me crazy. But I'm exhausted after working through this post. So here it is, typos, crazy, possibly unfinished, thoughts and all. I'm seriously still a work in progress and daily wrestling with how God is working. (I really need to write a more light hearted post soon about my awesome 2.5 year old!)

xoxo Lauren

A photo of Aaron and I outside of the house DOOR provided for us:

Messy Applesauce

A couple of weeks ago I was asked this question in my Ladies Bible Class: What does total surrender to Jesus look like? This was my answer:

Total surrender to Jesus looks like allowing my toddler who hasn't mastered a spoon eat applesauce out of a cup in my living room. It's so so very messy. There was applesauce smeared on the table. There was applesauce dropped on her clean shirt. There was applesauce in her hair and all over her face. So much applesauce EVERYWHERE. 

Even though I knew it was going to be crazy messy I had to let go of my control and let her do it. Why? Because it's necessary for her to grow. I mean, the girl has to know how to use a spoon. Amiright? 

I sat there and watched her conquer a new skill and I swelled with pride. I was so proud because she never got frustrated if she dropped it. She giggled and tried again. As I watched her, I realized how I was growing and learning with her. That was not just a moment for her to perfect a new skill, God was showing me what happens when I let go of my white-knuckling control. When I surrender, I grow. When I surrender, I learn new skills. When I surrender, He uses me for His glory. When I surrender, I give up my agenda to be His hands and feet. He doesn't promise it will be easy. He says it will be messy. But He says don't worry, I've overcome the world for you. (John 16:33) So take up your cross and follow me. (Matthew 16:24)

Let go and surrender. It's messy, but it's necessary.

xoxo Lauren